Molly walked out of the treatment room where she had just finished assisting the doctor in administering an IUI. It had been a long morning of back to back appointments, and Molly was happy but drained. The doctor she was working under today was one of her favorites; Dr. Ibrihim was not only a woman in a male dominated field, but also an immigrant. She was kind, empathetic, and smart as a whip. She was a wellspring of reproductive medical knowledge, and Molly loved learning from her. Days working under Dr. Ibrihim were always her favorite days--even if they were also the most emotionally draining. Basking in the sunlight of such an inspiring woman also came with a sunburn of what could have been. It was lunchtime, and Molly was ready to dissociate for a minute.

She ate her prepackaged grocery store salad while scrolling on tiktok. Hacks for the best homemade sourdough. Relationship advice. Buy this skincare product for the most youthful skin. She was being mildly entertained by a skit when the IVF coordinator, the aptly named Venus, popped her head in. "Molly, did you send off the Langleys' sample for the DNA fragmentation test? We are waiting on those results to move forward with their egg retrieval, but the lab is saying they have no record of receiving it." Molly looked up at her and took a second to get her bearings. "Oh umm, no, I haven't seen one to send off in awhile. Have you asked Paul?"

Venus's brow furrowed, "He said to ask you, he says he wasn't here on the date they dropped off the sample. It should have only been you." 

Molly's furrowed brow matched Venus's. "Which patient did you say it was? And how long ago was this?"

"The Langleys, and..." Venus checked the file in her hand, "two Mondays ago."

Molly paled. "The Langleys? I... I completed the semen analysis that came through for them a couple weeks ago. Was this a different time? Did they bring in samples for both?"

Venus looked at her paper again. "No, it would have just been the sample to be shipped. You're sure you did a semen analysis for them?"

"I'm pretty sure... I know for sure that I haven't shipped a sample off recently." Molly's index finger picked at a hangnail on her thumb.

Venus sighed, "Ok. I'm just going to have to tell them there was a mix up and that they'll need to come get a new sample kit."

"Venus I am so sorry. I must have not read the notation properly or--"

The older woman smiled a tired smile at her. "It's totally fine Molly, we've all been there. Mistakes happen! Nothing to do but just let them know and move forward. You don't need to worry." She started to leave the room.

"Wait!" Molly called after her, and Venus poked her head back in and she continued, "Is this going to affect the Langley's plans?"

Venus hesitated. "Well... the DNA fragmentation results take a couple of weeks, and the doctor wants to get these results back before starting their egg retrieval cycle. We were trying to figure out this result so that we could get their cycle on the calendar starting next week, because her period is due in a few days. I was just about to schedule her baseline ultrasound and get her medications ordered and calendar made. But if we are waiting a couple weeks for the results, and then for her next period... we are looking at needing to push it back a month then."

Molly's hands ran through her hair and bunched it up in her hands. "Oh my gosh, I am so, so, so sorry. Please tell them how sorry I am and if I can do anything to make--"

Venus cut her off with a soft smile. "Molly, like I said, mistakes happen. They'll just have to wait the month and that will just have to be what it is. They've been trying for a baby for years. They can wait a month." Then Venus was out the door and walking back to her office.

Molly threw away the rest of her salad.

She sat back down. She tried to scroll some more on her phone, get her mind off her mistake. She couldn't focus. After a minute, she turned the phone off and set it facedown at the desk. For a moment she just sat with her chin in her hands, curled fingers covering her mouth, staring at the wall. Then it was time to get back to work.

An hour later, Molly was doing some charting when Paul came back from his lunch break, which he had taken out of the office this time. He and Molly usually staggered their lunch breaks from each other for staffing purposes. Paul was her main counterpart in the clinic, the only other full-time MA beyond the gaggle of ever-rotating part-time students moving on to bigger and better things. He was bright-eyed and passionate, a couple years younger than Molly's 27. They had worked together for about 3 years now. When he started he didn't know much, and he looked up to Molly as a mentor and a source of wisdom. Now he practically ran to her, beaming, waving a piece of thick paper in his hand. 

When work was over, Molly took the 30-minute walk home slower than usual. It was the middle of April in Phoenix, Arizona. The weather had definitely been warming over the last few weeks, but Molly enjoyed walking to and from work during the months of the year where the heat wasn't a genuine health hazard. She was glad today, because she needed some time to clear her head. Walking, as with running, created a sense of steady forward rhythm that always seemed to calm her thoughts and make things make sense. Made all problems feel workable. 

Her mind felt like a tangled ball of string. Paul had been accepted into the Reproductive Endocrinology and Infertility Program at the University of Arizona. The same program she had been working toward since she was in middle school. The program that she had a reference letter for from the very prominent Arizona doctor that had helped her parents conceive her. Who her dad had gone to great pains to reconnect with to get her that letter. The program that she was applying for when her mom died. The program she had given up on when she couldn't handle her grief properly. Molly really, really didn't want to think about that. She really didn't want to think about everyone around her moving up in the world, accomplishing their dreams, and passing her by as she got older and older, stuck in the same place.

She got out her phone. She needed some distraction, some comfort, something happy. Something that felt like something was going somewhere in her life. She opened her text thread with Josh. She felt a little pang of guilt that the last message in the thread was him texting her ten days ago. She and Josh had met on a dating app a few months ago. They had hit it off well, nothing crazy or life altering. She never expected it to be. There was a little spark there, and they had fun together. She liked that he wasn't too needy. He was comfortable enough with himself to not be too clingy like some of the other guys she had spent time with in the past. Spending time with him was nice. He made her feel good. It was comfortable, and that was all she could hope to ask for. She texted him.

Hey. Are you free tonight?

She walked on, feeling a little bit less pent up at the thought of spending an evening with Josh at her favorite book cafe or watching a movie on the couch with him. Maybe getting a little feel-good session in if it felt right. Her phone pinged and she smiled with a little lift of relief.

Hey Molly. I'm sorry, I guess I'm confused. You haven't reached out in 10 days, and before that you hardly ever initiated getting together or even talking. I always got short answers from you. I didn't think you were interested, you seemed pretty clear on that. I'm sorry if I got the wrong idea, but I made things official with another girl a few days ago. I have a girlfriend now. I hope you find what you're looking for Molly, I really do. I liked you a lot.

Molly stopped in her tracks on the sidewalk, all the wind rushing out of her sails. She slumped onto a nearby stone bench, processing what she had just read. Then she put her head in her hands. This day just keeps getting better. She sat there for a moment, then scrubbed her hands over her face and got back to her feet with a sighing groan. She wouldn't bother texting back. There really wasn't a point to. The outcome remained the same.

Molly kept moving toward home. Feeling discouraged, the walk was starting to feel like trudging through mud. She couldn't remember if Liz was supposed to be working tonight or not. Molly's roommate Liz was a waitress at Buffalo Wild Wings while finishing school part-time. Molly really, really didn't want to be alone tonight if Liz was working. She pulled her phone back out and called her dad. They hadn't been talking much and Molly was afraid to face it. Maybe this was a sign. It rang all the way out until it went to his voicemail. She hung up and sighed. Not even her dad.

Molly kept walking, dejected, eyes down. In a patch of gravel with some small scrubby plants, something shined slightly. She enjoyed pretty rocks and crystals. She moved to pick it up, grasping at a distraction. It was a very small stone, looked like quartz or moonstone maybe? White with a little transparency to it, and almost looked like it had the slightest pink shimmer to it. On one side she noticed a little mark carved into it, which was odd. She slipped it in her pocket. 

Molly rounded the corner of her street. At least she would get to hang out with Gumbo tonight. Her mood lightened a little at the thought of his wagging tail when he saw her. She could get out some of his special treats and they could go for a walk, then cuddle on the couch and watch a movie. 

When she reached her apartment, she walked in and found Liz on the couch, watching a movie with a halfhearted attempt at studying next to her, but was paying no mind. Gumbo was snuggled up against her, Liz absentmindedly petting him while not taking her eyes off the screen. "Hey," she said. "Hey," said Molly, "Are you working tonight?" Liz's eyes were still on the screen. "No. Ryan's coming over in a little bit, we are going to a movie." Molly looked skeptically at the movie Liz was already watching. "Ok... Gumbo! C'mere boy! I missed you!" Molly knelt down and spread her arms for him to run into, the way he did when he was a puppy. Gumbo raised his head and gazed at Molly for a moment over Liz's lap. Then he settled his head back onto Liz's leg. "I took him on a walk for you while you were gone. Also I hope you don't mind, but I got out his special treats and gave him a couple. He's just been such a good boy today!" said Liz, pulling her eyes away from the screen for the first time to look at Gumbo lovingly and scratch him behind the ears.

"Oh... Yeah... That's great, thank you so much. Ok, well I'm going to go take a shower." Molly walked quickly into her bathroom before Liz could answer. Her eyes were stinging. Molly knew it was foolish, but she felt rejected and unneeded by everyone today. Rejected by Gumbo for not wanting her, rejected by her dad when he didn't answer the phone, rejected by Josh, and rejected by the whole damn University of Arizona... for what? For accepting Paul into their program and not her? Not accepting her when she didn't even apply? Molly angrily wiped the traitorous tears off her face. She felt so unbelievably childish and immature. She was ashamed of herself, embarrassed of her own private thoughts. The reality was that she had caused this. She had spent too much time away from Gumbo and let Liz gradually take over his care. She hadn't prioritized talking to Josh, it wasn't his fault she didn't show or tell him she was interested. And she had let down her father years ago and their relationship had been wasting away ever since. And her mistake at work clearly illustrated why. She couldn't blame him. He had had such high hopes for her, hopes that had come from her expressing her dreams, desires, and determinations. She couldn't seem to ever be able to follow through, no matter how much she tried. 

Molly took off her clothes and started the shower. The tears were falling freely now. She felt like a failure and a fraud. She acted like she cared about people, she felt like she cared about people and showed up for them. But when push came to shove, what happened? They distanced themselves because she did. Even her patients, her calling and joy in life, she hadn't come through for today. Her chest hurt.

She didn't want to cry anymore, didn't want to feel or face this. It felt like all her failures were crushing in on her, and not for the first time, she just wished she could call her mom. Stifling a sob, Molly pulled out her phone as she stepped into the shower. She wanted to escape her own mind, and doomscrolling social media was the best way to do that. She was past feeling shame about that at this point, she couldn't care today.

Molly tried to get into the first video that popped up, the second, the third, but nothing was enough to catch her interest enough to quiet her racing mind and too-fast breaths. Then, the face of one of her favorite creators appeared. Kari the Wellness Witch was her self-appointed title. Molly loved watching her stuff. Kari always seemed to have sage wisdom beyond her years and the ability to help you get exactly what you wanted out of life. Chants for manifesting your dream life, spells to help you let go of something toxic, rituals to imbue your food with nourishment to both body and soul. Things like that. Kari was always so sure of what she was doing and what she wanted out of life, and that inspired Molly beyond measure. Kari did it in such an inclusive way toward her followers that Molly couldn't help but feel supported and included, and that--if she just did it well enough--that she too could have the certainty that Kari did. 

Kari's blonde hair with the green streaks popped up, her smokey makeup almost perfect, the familiar shelves full of crystals and beaded strands hanging over a cerulean wall in the background were Kari's usual filming area. Kari spoke:

"Hey. Stop scrolling for a second. I know life is hard right now. Yes I'm talking to you. I know it feels like you are failing, like you've messed things up too badly, and you want a fresh start. You want a new lease on life. I have a ritual for you to do tonight. Light some candles, maybe grab a few crystals you feel a connection with right now if you have them, and ground yourself on the floor. Now repeat after me. 'I release the version of my life that no longer fits me. I open myself to something new. I welcome a path that feels aligned, clear, and meant for me. Let what needs to change, change. Let what needs to leave, leave. Let my mind understand, and my mouth be understood. I trust that I am being guided somewhere better.'" 

Molly paused the video. Then she double tapped to save it. The tears had stopped for the moment as the message landed. Her higher brain knew that talking directly to the viewer was a tactic to increase views to make the creator money. But her lower brain was the one driving right now, and all it wanted to do was grasp at the sliver of light and hope. Molly used that hope as a dam to hold back her emotions for the moment as she washed her hair and body, then stepped out of the shower. She coiled one towel around her head and one around her body, picked up the day's clothes off the floor and headed to her room. As she closed the door to her bedroom, she heard a tiny thud hit the carpet. She looked down and saw the little stone she had picked up on her walk home, which had now fallen out of the scrub pants pocket balled up in her arm. She walked toward her dresser. Pictures on her walls of her and her parents, her and gumbo, graduation. Her eyes stung all over again and her throat ached so, so much from holding back the sobs. A few escaped and she felt completely pathetic. She pulled on her favorite pajamas, the ones with the butter yellow stripes and the lavendar purple flowers. She grabbed a couple decorative taper candles off her dresser top and lighter from a drawer. Her breath was speeding back up again.

Molly didn't have many crystals--the witchy stuff being more of a mild interest than an actual hobby--she grabbed the couple that she did have off their shelf for good measure and dropped the lot onto the ground next to her bed as she sat down cross-legged. She pulled up the video again and set it next to her, letting the beginning play while she set up. 

"Hey. Stop scrolling for a second. I know life is hard right now." Molly fumbled with setting the candles upright.

"Yes I'm talking to you. I know it feels like you are failing, like you've messed things up too badly, and you want a fresh start." Hot, fresh tears, and a sob as she listened to the words and lit the candles.

"You want a new lease on life. I have a ritual for you to do tonight. Light some candles, maybe grab a few crystals you feel a connection with right now if you have them..." Molly laid out her rose quartz, clear quartz, amethyst, and obsidian, the extent of her crystal collection, in front of the candles. As an afterthought, she leaned over on the floor and grabbed the little rock that had fallen out of her pocket. It was weird, it looked like crystal, but it could have been some unfamiliar rock, or could be synthetic for all she knew. But it couldn't hurt. Extra luck maybe.

"...and ground yourself on the floor. Now repeat after me. 'I release the version of my life that no longer fits me.'" 

"I release the version of my life that no longer fits me" Molly repeated in a cracking voice.

"I open myself to something new."

"I open myself to something new."

"I welcome a path that feels aligned, clear, and meant for me."

"I welcome a path that feels aligned, clear, and meant for me." The vice around her chest tightened as she said the words aloud. It had been three years since she felt like she was on a path that was any of those things. She had lost her path the day her mother died.

"Let what needs to change, change. Let what needs to leave, leave."

"Let what needs to change, change. Let what needs to leave, leave." Molly ended on a sob.

"Let my mind understand, and my mouth be understood."

"Let my mind understand, and my mouth be understood."

"I trust that I am being guided somewhere better.'" 

Molly broke down completely now, her sobs ragged and voice coming out raw.

"I need to be somewhere better. I need to start over."