Episode 58: The Elder Brain's Lair Report

General Summary

It's been two days since the wedding. Nia is walking funny, Lance is Lance but his favorite hat has a few singed spots, Spark is a deeper green, but they all head down to Valentine's square in Eladriel to drag El off a dance stage for a planned get-together to start talking about the next steps for the BTT.

The Hart Harkens

Suddenly something slowly approaches from the alleyway between two of the night clubs. It's not Lance's drug dealer, it's a massive glowing stag, the spirit of the Heart of Hartshome forest. He greets his heroes, praises Lance and Nia for using his gifts well, rebukes Spark for reducing his very essence into commerce, and proclaims the officers must again rout a vile infection plaguing the woods.

Nia guesses it's the Far Realm dragon, the stag confirms and mentions that Viridian Sparkle, the green dragon, has replaced himself with something blue. The stag asks if they are prepared, beginning a quick discussion as the officers try to organize buff spells. Spark asks to bring Harmony along as a witness to the collusion of the Infernal Triumvirate and the Mindflayers of the Far Realm. The stag says no, the others point out they can just gather photos and recordings with their ident-a-hedrons.

Preparation for Battle

Buff spells are dished out: mind blanks, moving freely, intellect fortresses, foresight, improved invisibility. The stag taps a hoof impatiently, "Are you finally ready?" "Yes, let's go!" They are teleported to a strange cave with what appears to be the excavated skeleton of some titanic humanoid.

A lingering thought bounces in Lance's mind asking if he's sure they shouldn't bring anyone else, like the goblin suggested, but he pipes up "Let's ask Aginnad!" A fiery portal opens, and the Pit Fiend steps through in his finest tailored coat and tails still holding a cocktail, "This must be the After after after party, man these elves know how to keep it going! Wait! Why are you all in armor? And what's that funky smell? Aw hell." The General Baron realized it was brawling time.

Encounter with Blue Goblins

The forest cleansers advanced deeper into the strangely glowing cave where they found a small bulge of blue goblins. The goblins told the cleansers to not disturb the masters as it undergoes its ascension unless they bring offerings; the crew shrug maybe they could be offerings; the goblins admit they look like decent snacks.

Spark nods and tries to advance past them, but the gobbos halt him suspicious of letting them pass. They announce themselves as the master's guards and army. Spark questions why they need masters, they can go to the new moon and be free. The blues ask what some squart green ogre would know about goblin freedom. Spark points out he's a goblin; they argue he's too big; Nia announces he's like the goblin messiah; Spark name-drops himself; the blues retort then Spark's definitely too big to be himself; "It's just the belt," says Spark; "then take it off," taunt the blues; "It ain't time for no strip tease you numbskulls!"

The Battle Ensues

Nia tries to pretend to be the voice of the masters, but Tiik notes someone is telepathically speaking to them, and the blues claim to know the true voice of the master. Spark then mocks them, talking about an angry master and moving stuff with his mind. The blues laugh since they all have telekinesis and mock his technique; Nia wonders how they still question his goblinhood if Spark can also move stuff with his mind; The blues concede Spark may be a short hobgoblin.

Spark has had enough, claims that if they are too dumb to recognize him, he'll just knock some sense into them by killing their boss and making himself the new boss after cracking some heads together. He asks the other officers to not kill the goblins, Aginnad mentions they look tasty and he's a little peckish. El knocks out two goblins lickety-split, but they raise an alarm.

Some weird tentacly human responds and says he must warn the master and drops a magical sphere of darkness and madness that Tiik protects everyone from. "Spark to Aginnad, you can eat that one."

Victory and Aftermath

Aginnad takes a bite of the squid dude, tastes like bacon-fried calamari. There is weird warping as it flees for its masters. Spark non-lethally clunks a few heads and another knot of blue goblins watches Mekkamutt release his stink eye laser.

It isn't enough for them to give up fighting, but Nia appears and puts on the charm to get them to at least wait to see the outcome of the master battle as to whom to serve. The goblins are persuaded, and El hands them passes to her strip temple. The cleansers advance down the cave until Mekkamutt's magitek sensors detect danger to the east.

Everyone huddles close to Tiik's protective field and it saves them from another hungering darkness. Admiral Nia responds to the threat by walking forward and destroying the first thing she sees a giant two-headed mindflayer thingy, Nia's frustration blasts the head off its neck and off its nip in a flash of magic.

The Far Realm giant was guarding some stairs that El rushes up to find another of the things and shoves her glaive in its chest with enough radiant energy to microwave its insides, the thing barely stands the first blow and El finishes it with another. She goes to move towards another weird tentacly dude, but her foresight grants her a warning.

A floating globe full of eyes comes out and shoots a death ray that she gracefully evades. However, with so many eyes on her, El follows her truest instinct, steps up to a rough stone pillar, and begins a sensuous pole dance. This draws out a second floaty orb full of eyes to watch, and El's gyrating increases.

The two ogling balls unleash a cruise ship level of laser rays easily avoided by El's endless dance moves. Wicked Mind heads up the stairs and hides behind a second pillar and knows what to do when El is in one of her moods and tosses a few bilog her way. Aginnad then flies forward and drops a fireball on the pair of orbs, but the fire damages a huge worm that rises from in front of the giant pelvis on the back wall.

Lance also drops a fireball, Spark smacks the beholder along with Mekkamutt. The worm sprays some acid all over the gobbos and his pup with a trickle barely hitting El's leg, but it's enough to stop El's dance. The worm then floats up in the air to get out of melee range.

It's not far enough to escape Nia's magic, and she blasts the worm. El sees the acid on her leg, and an audience full of eyes on two bulging balls that didn't toss a single bilog for her dancing, they chose their death. In asingle whirling rush, both orbs get severed by El's holy glaive. 'Oh', says Aginnad, 'I kinda wanted those nuts.' Lance says, 'you can still swallow the sausage!' So Aginnad flies to the worm and stuffs most of it in his venomous maw, gnawing and gnashing and gulping as the worm slowly thrashes and dies.

The cleansers find some treasure after cleaning up any leftover minions and proceed to the next chamber, a bony chamber containing titanic ribs and spinal vertebrae. The eerie atmosphere suggests that the heart of their quest lies ahead, with more dangers lurking in the shadows of the cavernous lair. The team braces themselves, knowing that the deeper they venture, the closer they get to confronting the mastermind behind the corruption of the Heart of Hartshome forest.