Episode 54: Lance's Steamy Bachelor Party Report

General Summary

A small exclusive Bachelor's Party retreat for Lance is thrown by Nadley (Aginnad) with Spark and El attending at the Salamander Fall's Bathhouse. Nadley found the place and said it's super awesome, all inclusive, and all he needed to pay for it was sign some paperwork . Spark, with his new belt of strength is flexing shirtless everywhere. Lance dreams of taking too many edibles and floating in a sensory deprivation bath. El changes forms, in a very Ashaya fashion, but remains female. Spark briefly pauses to ask Aginnad if he has a warlock, and the Devil General replies, 'Yeah, it's Max, Lance's dad, duh.' Lance puts his head in his hands with an 'Of course he is.' Spark asks the Pit Fiend if he's interested in another warlock, very fond of fiendish pacts, slightly used, young, pliable, mostly petrified. Lance perks up with a plan to prank his dad, and Aginnad is super jazzed to be the pranker and not the prankee. He warlock links Max and asks if his refrigerator is running. Max asks what a refrigerator is. Aginnad command his warlock to discover and apprehend the refrigerator setting him upon a quest of infernal importance. They walk into the bathhouse and meet Zestlei the half-snake Yuan ti former adventurer and proprietor. She offers bathes, massages, beauty treatments, de-aging treatments, ability enhancements, edibles and more. Spark intuits that some of the services offered are more salesmanship than substance, but is obsessed with the actual salamander in the falls and wants to get back there. They make thier way through the bathhouse running into Jizztopher Coylen who reminisces over all the stories he hears about the crew from his cousin Cumvol. They all chug some psychic beer which sprouts Lance an extra pair of legs and they dip into a pool next to a friendly centaur, Jereus. the half- horse centaur. She gives Lance two potions, an oil of sharpness and an actual potion of youth. Jereus aslo points out that hanging out in the pool too long would remove their psychic buzzes as it gives a greater restoration if you soak in it long enough. The party then hops out and instead runs up the waterway to where the falls soak a massive fire elemental salamander and they all repectfully greet and pet the salamander, then climb on top to soak on it, some licking may have occurred, but the Salamander is pretty much the best part of the whole place. While soaking on the amphibian, Spark points out that Jereus seems good natured, but was hiding something while they were talking, and that something about her reminds him of Lance, more than just them both having four legs right now. The eventually slide off the salamnder to get to the massage station where Grimtok, the half-orc monk gives out beatings... er, massages and also organizes fitness challenges for prizes. The gang participates, and El wins a potion of speed! During the event, Spark again realizes this half-orc is hiding something, and Lance sweet talks her into speaking her mind. She reveals there is a mistress behind the waterfall that lathers the salamander who has drawn Lance to this place, but speaking about her is painful for Grimtok. Lance lets the monk go massage herself which seems to be some form of self-flagellation. Then, Lance calls Nadley over and asks him to go get the DJ gear from the Blackjack real quick, and casts Forbiddance to lock down the bathhouse after he leaves. They head behind the waterfall and find a bunch of webs. Lance casts Freedom of Movement on Spark and himself. Exploring the webby tunnel leads them to a large lady spider monster thing with web hair and a pile of corpses which were apparently her meals. She gushes over how much she adores Lance. She reminisces about the three times she's mated with Lance, how much she likes how he gets under her epigynum and the way her spermathecae tingle while Lance's juice is inside her. She also mentions how jilted she is that Lance would marry some girl that isn't her, so she has gathered his children in this place and devoured all but the three females running the place who she will eat later so that only her children with Lance will remain. She then declares that she'll kill Paz to get out of the way of her love. Lance and Spark both respond with, Fuck that. The spider, Aretha uses her weird web hair, but it can only restrain mekkamutt, she then summons a bunch of spider swarms and starts growing them to monster size. El brings the hurt, Spark even get involved doing heavy damage with his new Belt of Giant Strength and Sattelite. Lance is clearing out swarms and keeping El up whom Aretha sees as a gorgeous rival for Lance's affection. However, Bedlam bites so hard even the spider decides to go to Lance instead, but the combo of Spark and El is too much lockdown for the spider abomination. They think they have taken her down, but it isn't even her FINAL FORM, she goes full spider and the swarms of spider wrap her in a living armor even as they scream for their daddy when seeing Lance. However, they don't protect her for long as El pulls off a crit smite purifying them off their monstrous mother. Then, with Lance's guiding bolt and some more melee, the spider mom eventually falls. Spark picks up one of the fallen spiderling and pops it in his mouth, 'Oh, she was right. Your kids are pretty tasty.' They head out of the cave and talk to the girls. They are happy to be able to admit they are Lance's kids, raised in the Faewyld. They will continue to run the bathhouse, and the party can visit for free anytime. Lance plans to Forbiddance the place permanently as a safe haven using the helm of teleportation with Spark to be able to visit everyday. Things are good, everyone is saying goodbye and the girls ask when they can meet their grandparents...